How many rock bottoms can one person have?

Friday night I ate until I puked.

It didn't even feel like a binge and I certainly didn't stick my finger down my throat.  I just ate until I got sick.

It started off with mozarella sticks and hot wings.  Then on to steak, baked potato, green beans and bread.

Soon after I finished eating, I felt some nausea, but it wasn't that urgent OH MY GOD and run to the bathroom kind of nausea.  It was the "eh, I ate too much so I'm just gonna sit here and never move again" nausea.

Then 5 minutes later I knew I was gonna throw up, but again it wasn't an urgent feeling.  Like I had time to put my hair up and grab a towel and kneel in front of the toilet before anything came up.

After it was all over I felt so much better.  I just figured something didn't agree with me, but that's not it. I had eaten until it hurt.  I had honestly eaten so much food my guts wanted to get rid of it.

Then a wave of desperation came over me.  I desperately don't want to be in that position ever again.  I desperately want to be a healthy person who can enjoy a nice long life.

I weighed on Sunday and it said 234.5, but I'm not recording it as an official weight because I was wearing pajamas and already had a cup of coffee.  I only record weights first thing in the morning without clothes and after I've used the bathroom. 

That being said, 234.5 isn't nearly as bad as I was expecting.  I guess throwing up that heavy meal worked in my favor for that one thing.

Things I wish burned calories:

• Insomnia
• Complaining
• Binge Eating
• Sitting
• Anxiety
• Staring into the void

Blank

Why do I compose 10 entries per day in my head but can't think of a single thing to say when I actually have time to write?

I'm supposed to meet a friend in the morning for a walk, but I haven't sent a text to confirm it yet.  I'll do that as soon as I publish this post.

Ordered pizza from dominos tonight and ate more than I probably should have. But that's life.

Valentine's Day was nice. I got some sweets from my sweetie and then I gave him a card. 

Anything else? Oh yeah! The weather is beautiful, wish you were here.

Am I torturing myself or motivating myself?

Avoidance

I think you know why.