Everybody has a reason to begin again

I've been making an effort.  A real one.  I walked 3 miles on Sunday and did it again today.  

I pulled out the dumbbells last night and did a few arms/chest/shoulders exercises. 

Baby steps are happening and while it feels good and I really really just want to sit around and brag, I hesitate to tell people because I know my track record. 

I've also been listening to this audiobook:

It's deep and poignant and not something that I can listen to in one sitting.  It's so overwhelming that I have to stop because I have to digest what I've just heard. 

In every life we have some trouble...

But when you worry, you make it double.


While on vacation in another state two weeks ago, I got a call from a coworker saying that our company is being bought out. So I spent the rest of my vacation stressing out about the future of my job, and naturally I let myself be soothed by pancakes, ice cream and pizza.  While elbow deep in kettle corn, I remember saying "I just need to stress eat."  I totally knew what I was doing, but made no effort to stop the behavior.

I stepped on the scale after returning from vacation and nearly wept.  But I refuse to record that weight because I'm a coward.

The official office takeover happens on September 1st so I have two months to brush up my resume.  I intend to stay if the new company will have me, but I don't want to get too cocky.  Even though my job performance has been praised by the current company, the new one might not need me.

I don't know where I saw this, but I remember reading one time that women over 250 pounds can expect to have a harder time finding jobs and to be paid less.  I'm not quite at the 250-pound mark, but I'm close enough to worry about it.  I don't know why that's the magic number making employment more difficult, but it's no secret that weight discrimination is a real thing.

In case we needed ANOTHER reason to lose weight, this is it.

The agony of being fat in a subtropical climate

It's so hot outside that I'm always so worried that I smell and will feed into the stereotype of being the smelly fat lady. 

I took a bath before going to the outlet mall yesterday but by the time I got back to the car I was like, OH GOD I better get home and take another bath ASAP.  I hadn't even walked around as much as I wanted to, but it was so hot that I couldn't keep going.  

It's so hot that I don't even feel like going to the beach.  I mean, at my size, I rarely feel like going to the beach anymore, but I still do it. To be honest, I prefer the beach in March and December down here.  The tourists are gone and it's usually pleasant to be out there then.

On Thursday it's supposed to be in the high 90s.  That's the day I'm driving to Ohio to see some family so I'm excited to get out of these disgusting temps.

When I'm independently wealthy, I'm doing summers in the north and winters in the south.

Here's your monthly reminder.....

...that I'm not dead, just fat.

I'm avoiding the scale like the plague.  I get anxiety just friggin thinking about it.

I'm making an effort to get at least 6,000 steps per day, which can be challenging some days since I have such a sedentary job.  Sometimes when I'm still at 3 or 4k, I'll put the fitbit on my foot and ride my stationary bike until I hit 6k.

On Sunday I did a really good 45-minute workout with weights and my thighs are still sore (and I love it!).  I intend to do a short pilates workout tonight after I finish washing the dishes.

I have MANY excuses for not sticking to a diet, but doesn't it feel like healthy foods cost so much money? Spinach and chicken breasts are great, but rice a roni and  PB&J sandwiches are more in my budget.

Hopes Were High

Remember that time I started a blog about how much agony I was in because I'm fat? Then I proceeded to commit and re-commit then fail and re-fail on weight loss adventures? 

Then I'd disappear for a while because who really wants to admit that they spent the last several weeks being soothed (tranquilized?) by corn dogs and cupcakes?

I've lived in this vicious cycle for too long. I can lose and gain and lose and gain 10 pounds like it's  nothing.  Sometimes I feel detached from my body and it is agonizing. 

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?

You've been out riding fences for so long now...

Does my taste in music date me? 

Here's the good news, my exercise has been decent. Good, in fact. Better than it has been in months. My eating, on the other hand is out of control. I'm ruining all of my hard work by diving mouth first into a plate of hot wings with ranch dressing. 

I have two upcoming vacations. One with a friend from college and the other with a friend from high school.  I'm so embarrassed for them to see me looking like this. Sigh.

Apparently I'm not so embarrassed that I'm putting down the French fries though.

This food addiction is no joke. 

What is wrong with me?

Everything was fine yesterday until about 10:30 p.m.  Then I sat in bed with a plate of leftover salisbury steak and roasted potatoes with sour cream.

It was Sunday and I had made a real effort to get over 6,000 steps and to do a yoga video.  Like it was a pretty decent day, but I ruined it late at night:(

In a not-very-smart move, I weighed myself this morning.  I'm 235.  For those of you keeping track (probably just me) that's 3.5 pounds up from January 1, 2018.  You know, the day that was supposed to kick off my healthiest year ever?

I won't/can't give up on myself.  I want to live to a ripe old age and be strong and independent while doing it.