Sunday, December 30, 2018

Like a river that don't know where it's flowing

....I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.

Sunday, November 11, 2018

Small pieces complete big puzzles

How many blog posts have y'all started then ended up deleting after a few paragraphs?  That's been me a bunch lately.  I'll start off with something good to say but end up thinking it's complete crap.

Since it's Sunday, I've decided to give myself some short term goals for the week.  Sometimes the problem with goals is that they are too big or take too long and I lose sight or even forget I made them.  So starting today I'm making a plan.  This week I will count calories 4 days and log 150 minutes of exercise.

I wanted to make a plan that I think I'll actually stick to. Something that isn't very aggressive, but is still working towards my overall weight loss goals.

The 150 minutes of exercise comes from a health documentary I watched yesterday.  If I remember correctly it is the American Heart Association that gives the guideline of 150 minutes of exercise per week.  That's totally doable, especially since I took a nice long walk with a friend this morning and got a good start on counting exercise minutes.

The reason I'm going with 4 days of counting calories is because it never fails that something will come up and I need to be lenient with food.  Sometimes my boss will want to buy lunch or I'll have a rough day at work and want a couple glasses of wine.  Going with 4 days gives me permission to relax 3 days (NOT to go hog wild) but still keep a watch on myself.

I probably should've weighed myself this morning, but I will stick to just weighing on the first day of the month for now.  It stops me from obsessing over the scale.

Thursday, November 8, 2018

The scale can't tell the whole story

I had my yearly physical yesterday and the doctor and I were both happy to see all of my labs came back normal. Even my anemia has resolved since last year! 

BUT her scale shows me up 3 pounds since this time last year. Normally I'd be all "Pssh 3 pounds in a year ain't a thing!" But my scale shows that I'm doing well so it's very frustrating to see something different on the doctor's scale. 

At home I always weigh first thing in the morning, naked, after using the bathroom. So I'm sure that coffee I had and those clothes I wore could make the scale at her office give a different reading. 

My main concern was making sure the bloodwork was good. As I inch closer and closer to 40, weight loss is less about being cute and more about sustaining life.

Thursday, November 1, 2018

I won't back down

I love that Tom Petty song.

In a world that keeps on pushing me around
But I stand my ground
And I won't back down

It's easy right now to sing a song about not backing down.  I weighed myself this morning for the first time in ages and I was pleasantly surprised to be below 230.  229.5 to be exact :)

Looking back at my notebook of weights, this is the lowest weight of 2018.  I hit it one other time early in the year, but never got lower.

With these milder temps, I've been doing things like taking hour-long walks outside. Being outdoors when there's a slight breeze and it's not 80+ degrees is so invigorating.

It's nice to come here and report something upbeat.  Now if only it could last more than a couple days.


Saturday, October 6, 2018

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

Do you know how exhausting it is to write the same thing over and over again?  One post is full of motivation and optimism.  The next is bleak despair.

I'm sick of being fat and I'm scared of getting older while being fat.  But I just can't figure out how to be consistent with my behavior.  I'm disciplined in other aspects of my life, but when it comes to controlling my own damn body, I'm a failure.  

I'm trying to be more grateful.  Things aren't so bad, you know? I have a roof over my head and (too much) food in my belly and if I got fired toady, I'd still be able to pay the mortgage and the power bill for a couple of months without too much trouble.  But my biggest dissatisfaction in life is my own physical being. It's so depressing.

Speaking of depressing, a nurse friend recommended I go on an antidepressant. She says it'll help with my weight.  Do i really want to do that though?  I don't think I feel depressed, but maybe I really am?

Anyway, I have labs drawn on Halloween then a doctor's appointment a week later.  I may or may not talk to the doctor about antidepressants then.  We'll see...

Friday, September 21, 2018

Don't wait up for me

avoidance
 nounoften attributive
avoid·ance | \ ə-ˈvȯid-ᵊn(t)s  \

Medical Definition of Avoidance 


the act or practice of keeping away from or withdrawing from something undesirablereinforced by escape or avoidance of electric shock—E. S. Katkin & E. N. Murrayavoidance learningespecially an anticipatory response undertaken to avoid a noxious stimulusconditioned avoidance in mice


courtesy of: Merriam-Webster

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Turtles win the race and all that

Well this turtle better get a big gold medal because weight loss is taking forever.

Today's weight: 233

It's taken two weeks to lose a single pound. Ugh. I can only think of two days when I didn't track every calorie that went in my mouth. I blame it on getting older because this problem didn't happen in my 20s. Back then weight loss was fast and furious. But my dumbass didn't keep it off so here we are again.....

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

It ain't no sin to be glad you're alive

With the exception of last Saturday, I'm still doing the diet and exercise thing. 

I'm on day 14 of this 21-day arm challenge I found on Pinterest. 


It's very hard while I'm doing it but it doesn't leave me sore the next day. I really like being sore after exercise. But I'm feeling good about myself and my energy levels are improving!

Let's see, what else is going on? Not a damn thing.  Having a boring life does not make very good blog material. 

Wednesday, August 1, 2018

They say you gotta stay hungry

Hey baby I'm just about starving tonight

That's a Bruce Springsteen lyric. I'm not really starving. 

I am, however, 234 this morning. That's a 2.5 pound weight loss from 2 weeks ago! The mature side of my brain is happy because that amount is reasonable, healthy, sustainable, etc. The overwhelming childlike part of my brain is stomping her feet and scrunching up her face because it should have been a much larger drop. Hahaha. That bitch is nuts.

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

I didn't really want to do this

I weighed myself this morning and had NO intention of reporting it on my blog.  But here I am, for whatever reason, letting you know the verdict.  I'm 236.5. That's 5 pounds higher than I was on New Year's Day.  But I guess gaining 5 pounds in 7 months isn't the end of the world.  I SHOULD be able to lose that again, right?

Ok, now if I can just find the motivation to exercise.

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Everybody has a reason to begin again

I've been making an effort.  A real one.  I walked 3 miles on Sunday and did it again today.  

I pulled out the dumbbells last night and did a few arms/chest/shoulders exercises. 

Baby steps are happening and while it feels good and I really really just want to sit around and brag, I hesitate to tell people because I know my track record. 

I've also been listening to this audiobook:


It's deep and poignant and not something that I can listen to in one sitting.  It's so overwhelming that I have to stop because I have to digest what I've just heard. 

Sunday, July 1, 2018

In every life we have some trouble...

But when you worry, you make it double.


While on vacation in another state two weeks ago, I got a call from a coworker saying that our company is being bought out. So I spent the rest of my vacation stressing out about the future of my job, and naturally I let myself be soothed by pancakes, ice cream and pizza.  While elbow deep in kettle corn, I remember saying "I just need to stress eat."  I totally knew what I was doing, but made no effort to stop the behavior.

I stepped on the scale after returning from vacation and nearly wept.  But I refuse to record that weight because I'm a coward.

The official office takeover happens on September 1st so I have two months to brush up my resume.  I intend to stay if the new company will have me, but I don't want to get too cocky.  Even though my job performance has been praised by the current company, the new one might not need me.

I don't know where I saw this, but I remember reading one time that women over 250 pounds can expect to have a harder time finding jobs and to be paid less.  I'm not quite at the 250-pound mark, but I'm close enough to worry about it.  I don't know why that's the magic number making employment more difficult, but it's no secret that weight discrimination is a real thing.

In case we needed ANOTHER reason to lose weight, this is it.

Sunday, June 17, 2018

The agony of being fat in a subtropical climate

It's so hot outside that I'm always so worried that I smell and will feed into the stereotype of being the smelly fat lady. 

I took a bath before going to the outlet mall yesterday but by the time I got back to the car I was like, OH GOD I better get home and take another bath ASAP.  I hadn't even walked around as much as I wanted to, but it was so hot that I couldn't keep going.  

It's so hot that I don't even feel like going to the beach.  I mean, at my size, I rarely feel like going to the beach anymore, but I still do it. To be honest, I prefer the beach in March and December down here.  The tourists are gone and it's usually pleasant to be out there then.

On Thursday it's supposed to be in the high 90s.  That's the day I'm driving to Ohio to see some family so I'm excited to get out of these disgusting temps.

When I'm independently wealthy, I'm doing summers in the north and winters in the south.

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Here's your monthly reminder.....

...that I'm not dead, just fat.

I'm avoiding the scale like the plague.  I get anxiety just friggin thinking about it.

I'm making an effort to get at least 6,000 steps per day, which can be challenging some days since I have such a sedentary job.  Sometimes when I'm still at 3 or 4k, I'll put the fitbit on my foot and ride my stationary bike until I hit 6k.

On Sunday I did a really good 45-minute workout with weights and my thighs are still sore (and I love it!).  I intend to do a short pilates workout tonight after I finish washing the dishes.

I have MANY excuses for not sticking to a diet, but doesn't it feel like healthy foods cost so much money? Spinach and chicken breasts are great, but rice a roni and  PB&J sandwiches are more in my budget.

Sunday, May 6, 2018

Hopes Were High

Remember that time I started a blog about how much agony I was in because I'm fat? Then I proceeded to commit and re-commit then fail and re-fail on weight loss adventures? 

Then I'd disappear for a while because who really wants to admit that they spent the last several weeks being soothed (tranquilized?) by corn dogs and cupcakes?

I've lived in this vicious cycle for too long. I can lose and gain and lose and gain 10 pounds like it's  nothing.  Sometimes I feel detached from my body and it is agonizing. 

Friday, April 13, 2018

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?

You've been out riding fences for so long now...

Does my taste in music date me? 

Here's the good news, my exercise has been decent. Good, in fact. Better than it has been in months. My eating, on the other hand is out of control. I'm ruining all of my hard work by diving mouth first into a plate of hot wings with ranch dressing. 

I have two upcoming vacations. One with a friend from college and the other with a friend from high school.  I'm so embarrassed for them to see me looking like this. Sigh.

Apparently I'm not so embarrassed that I'm putting down the French fries though.

This food addiction is no joke. 

Monday, March 19, 2018

What is wrong with me?

Everything was fine yesterday until about 10:30 p.m.  Then I sat in bed with a plate of leftover salisbury steak and roasted potatoes with sour cream.

It was Sunday and I had made a real effort to get over 6,000 steps and to do a yoga video.  Like it was a pretty decent day, but I ruined it late at night:(

In a not-very-smart move, I weighed myself this morning.  I'm 235.  For those of you keeping track (probably just me) that's 3.5 pounds up from January 1, 2018.  You know, the day that was supposed to kick off my healthiest year ever?

I won't/can't give up on myself.  I want to live to a ripe old age and be strong and independent while doing it. 

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Bloody tired

Back in November I had routine labs done and was found to be slightly anemic with a 10.1 (normal is 11.1).

I had been giving blood regularly last year so my doctor just said to hold off on any more donations and she scheduled re-do of my labs in January.

So January labs were taken and while the anemia was slightly better at a 10.9, she did a full iron panel which showed my ferritin at an 11 (normal is 15) and iron saturation at 7 (normal is 15.5).

Doc asked if I'd been feeling tired or having low energy and I said no.  She recommends I start taking Ferrous Sulfate 325mg.

I get the OTC supplement and start taking it most days, but forget it every now and then.  Anyway, here I am realizing that I'm sleeping more than 8 hours almost every night and I feel exhausted every evening.  I normally would blame this feeling on being overweight and lazy, but now I'm really thinking it's the anemia.

I realize I'm not severely anemic and I also realize that I'm the Super Queen of excuses, but when it's 7 p.m. and I'm fighting to stay awake, I think it might be something other than inherent laziness.

I've been reading a lot online about anemia and it often takes several months to resolve even with supplements.  While I am loath to give up any excuse to not exercise, I really don't want to have this feeling of constant fatigue anymore.

Friday, March 2, 2018

FRIYAY!!!!

My mood has improved significantly since my last post.  I exercised both Tuesday and Thursday evening and then woke up early this morning and did a 12-minute yoga sun salutation video.  I FEEL SO AMAZING!!!!

I need to remember this feeling right now. Yoga is a great way to wake up, but when the bed is so soft and warm, I forget about how good yoga makes me feel.

Anyway, diet still isn't 100% but at least I'm not eating until I puke.

My little chihuahua had a bit of a limp yesterday, but she seems fine this morning.  Wonder what that was all about?  My youngest dog has a grooming appointment tomorrow.  After I drop him off, I plan to take a nice long walk.  The weather is supposed to be beautiful again this weekend!

Monday, February 26, 2018

How many rock bottoms can one person have?

Friday night I ate until I puked.

It didn't even feel like a binge and I certainly didn't stick my finger down my throat.  I just ate until I got sick.

It started off with mozarella sticks and hot wings.  Then on to steak, baked potato, green beans and bread.

Soon after I finished eating, I felt some nausea, but it wasn't that urgent OH MY GOD and run to the bathroom kind of nausea.  It was the "eh, I ate too much so I'm just gonna sit here and never move again" nausea.

Then 5 minutes later I knew I was gonna throw up, but again it wasn't an urgent feeling.  Like I had time to put my hair up and grab a towel and kneel in front of the toilet before anything came up.

After it was all over I felt so much better.  I just figured something didn't agree with me, but that's not it. I had eaten until it hurt.  I had honestly eaten so much food my guts wanted to get rid of it.

Then a wave of desperation came over me.  I desperately don't want to be in that position ever again.  I desperately want to be a healthy person who can enjoy a nice long life.

I weighed on Sunday and it said 234.5, but I'm not recording it as an official weight because I was wearing pajamas and already had a cup of coffee.  I only record weights first thing in the morning without clothes and after I've used the bathroom. 

That being said, 234.5 isn't nearly as bad as I was expecting.  I guess throwing up that heavy meal worked in my favor for that one thing.

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Friday, February 16, 2018

Blank

Why do I compose 10 entries per day in my head but can't think of a single thing to say when I actually have time to write?

I'm supposed to meet a friend in the morning for a walk, but I haven't sent a text to confirm it yet.  I'll do that as soon as I publish this post.

Ordered pizza from dominos tonight and ate more than I probably should have. But that's life.

Valentine's Day was nice. I got some sweets from my sweetie and then I gave him a card. 

Anything else? Oh yeah! The weather is beautiful, wish you were here.

Monday, January 29, 2018

What I'm eating

I love the idea of meal prepping for the week, but I just can't get excited to eat the same thing every day all week long.

But Sunday I put a whole chicken in the crock pot for dinner.  I'm using the leftovers to throw on salads for the next couple of days' lunches.


It turned out really good.  Just rub a whole bunch of spices (I used italian seasoning, paprika, salt, pepper, rosemary, and stuffed it with an onion) and let it cook all day. Delicious!




Have y'all heard of veggie tots?  I'm so addicted to these things and could probably polish the whole bag off in one sitting, but my husband helps me.





I know it's not as healthy as a plateful of steamed broccoli, but I'm going to enjoy my life.

Lastly, my Diet Coke addiction has now doubled.



Clearly someone needs to teach me how to rotate pictures.  hahah.  If you help me out, I might even share a new Diet Coke with you.  The Orange one was SO GOOD and so was the twisted mango.  I can't decide which one I like better.  There are a couple of other new flavors I'll have to try too.


Wednesday, January 24, 2018

I want it all or nothing at all

A million years ago I kept an online journal and every title was a line from a Bruce Springsteen song.  hahahhaa.  Gosh, my Bruce Springsteen phase was long and loud.

Anyway, I thought the line about wanting it all or nothing at all was most appropriate since my last post was about how precise I had been with my diet and exercise.  All it took was one Sunday filled with garlic bread and chips and dip to send me crashing down the diet mountain.  I've been in the throes of eating anything that isn't nailed down for the last couple of days.

I'm desperately trying to re-focus. It's such a struggle to teach myself to eat a "normal" amount or to exercise an "appropriate" amount.  I put those in quotes because what's normal and appropriate is different for each person.  I'm currently eating and exercising the normal and appropriate amount for a 230 pound woman.  UGH!!!!!

Thursday, January 18, 2018

Weighty Anxiety

This is something weird that I know has happened before, but I'm really trying to figure it out.  I have a  bit of anxiety revolving around my eating and exercise schedule.  Like I'm almost manic when I know I need to go exercise.  Or freak out that I might have eaten too many calories.

It's really not mentally healthy and I remember doing this when I lost 100 pounds in my 20s.  It's like I'm so militant that I can't deviate from my daily plan or I'll just give up and fail.

How do I make myself relax?

I've proven that I need structure to lose weight.  Obviously I don't know how to eat until just full. I wouldn't have ended up over 230 pounds if I knew what "just full" felt like. 

I've tried to just eat smaller portions and take evening walks, but it never lasts long enough to show results.  I guess I'll just continue on my current plan of eating 1600-1800 calories per day and exercising 4 times per week for now.  Although I'd rather be neck deep in fried chicken and corn bread.


Monday, January 15, 2018

Two weeks

Weight on Jan. 1: 231.5
Today's weight:  229.5

I've had a pretty good diet and exercise groove going on lately.  While I'm upset that I didn't magically wake up 140 pounds, I'm happy that I'm exercising and watching what I eat pretty well.

Does anybody else feel more connected with their body while dieting?  It's like I become disconnected with myself when I'm constantly overeating.  Like it numbs me or something?

I can't wait to lose some of this weight and get rid of my many many back rolls.  Plus, my disproportionately large arms need to deflate a little.  I made my husband take a picture of my rolls.  Lol


I'm a little embarrassed showing this picture.  I know you can't see my face, but you're seeing something much more revealing and intimate.  I just need to remember that I'm working on this.  We are works in progress.

Not gonna lie, I kind of like making meal plans and grocery lists.  It's so much easier to stay on track when there are more apples and fewer Pop Tarts in the house. Not to mention, my bank account likes it too.

Oh!  That just reminded me of the major sticker shock I got at walmart the other day.  One pound of lean ground beef was $4.84.  I gasped!!! So I'm making some expensive, yet lean, salisbury steaks tonight.  Other than that, I'm spending way less on food than when we were eating fast food every other day.

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

On the mend

My cold went on far longer than I expected.  Almost 2 full weeks!  Today was the first morning that I didn't have to blow my nose as soon as I woke up.

I've been slowly recovering for the last few days though.  This past weekend I worked out both days and am still feeling sore from it!  I love this feeling so much that I'll do another workout today.

I've been binge watching The Crown and Call the Midwife lately on Netflix.  Does anybody else start talking in a hilarious fake accent after watching British shows?  It all started when I devoured the Harry Potter books and movies.  I definitely do NOT speak the Queen's language very well. Hah!

Monday, January 1, 2018

Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot?

As usual, I've been absent for so long because I've been abandoning all hope of weight loss and fitness in exchange for eating like a professional weight lifting man who is in prime bulking season. 

But it's the new year and I'm back and, you know, I hope to be here for a long time.

I've had a pretty bad cold for the last 4(5? I can't remember anymore) days so my energy levels have been in the toilet.  My sleeping is poor because I'm so congested and can only mouth breathe, which is super uncomfortable for me.  Even taking medicine only helps for a couple of hours.

The silver lining?  My appetite has been slightly reduced so at least there's that.

Today is the first day I woke up with some energy so maybe I'll get in a workout.  Anything will be better than the NOTHING that I've been doing for the last month.

Weight on January 1, 2017:  236
Weight on January 1, 2018:  231.5

My lowest weight of 2017 was 221.5 so my first resolution is to see that number again.  Ten pounds shouldn't take me too long, right?  Hopefully by Valentine's Day!