Wednesday, December 28, 2016

A year later

I wrote my first blog post on December 28, 2015.  It was a post about being in desperate need to lose weight.  I was miserable and scared about my wellbeing.

Here we are a year later.  I'm fatter than ever and as miserable as ever.

This picture from Christmas made me so sad:

This needs to be my motivation to lose weight.  My health needs to be my motivation.   SOMETHING needs to be my motivation.

We haven't weighed in at work yet, but that's coming soon.

PS: How 'bout them mad photo editing skills, am I right?

Thursday, December 22, 2016

The joke that is true but not funny

While stuffing my face with chocolate, I joke with a coworker about our upcoming weight loss challenge at work, "I'm pumping up my weight before the big weigh in."  She laughs and says she's doing the same thing.  

It was funny to say, but feels sad on the inside.

Not surprisingly, I use every excuse in the book to treat my body poorly.  Yes, I believe it's truly an addiction that I have. I abuse food.

I'm hoping that having this weight loss challenge at work will keep me motivated for a couple of reasons: 1) it's easier to diet when everybody else around you is doing it too 2) THE PRIZE IS MONEY!!!!!

My next post will be my weigh in number and a "before" picture.  

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Because I'm money motivated

The girls at work are starting up a weight loss challenge.  We weigh in the last week of December and pay $10.  At the end of March, we weigh in again and the person who loses the largest percentage of their weight wins the pot of money.

Since I'm clearly not motivated to lose weight for my own well being, maybe the added incentive of cash will help me out.

I really do love money.

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Sunday, November 27, 2016

What was I thinking?

Of course I can't lose 8 pounds the month of Thanksgiving.  Anything that I MAY have lost was gained over the last four days.
It's nobody's fault but my own.  I know this.
I'm so disappointed in myself.
The only good news is that I've been on a cleaning binge this weekend so maybe I've burned SOME of those calories off?  I've also put up the Christmas tree so that makes me feel a little happier.

Ugh...why can't I lose this weight?  Why do I want to self destruct?

Sunday, November 13, 2016


Once upon a time ago (like in 2005 and 2006) I lost 100 pounds.  I did it all by counting calories, walking and doing workout videos.  There wasn't nearly as much free material back then as there is now so I had spent over a year doing the same 5 workout videos and counting calories on scraps of paper.

I say all of this to tell you about my favorite new find:  Hoopla!  Now I've had the free Hoopla app for a year or two, but haven't used it for workout videos until the last couple of weeks.  Hoopla might not be available for everyone, but it is connected to many public libraries.  All you have to do is enter your library card info and you have instant access to SO MUCH FREE STUFF.  I've been reading e-books and listening to audio books on it for a long time.

But this is what I've been doing recently....

The videos are only available for 72 hours after borrowing them so don't make the same mistake I did and borrow 10 videos all at once :)

For those of you who can't get Hoopla, Youtube is still a wealth of free material.  In fact, I did an old school Mari Winsor Pilates video this morning.  My buns will surely thank me later.  Now if only I could stop eating like a linebacker...

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Weak Start

Today is November 5 so I thought I'd check in.  I'm kind of off to a weak start.  I start every day strong and pre-planned.  Then someone breaks out candy (I was even gifted a huge Hershey's Special Dark fave) and as much as I try to portion out the sweets, I still overeat.  It's all of that stupid Halloween candy that people are bringing to work because they don't want their kids eating it.  They don't care, however, that I stuff my face.  Hahah.

Anyway, when I left on Friday, the community candy bowls were down to the stuff that nobody (including me) wants.

Like I said in my last post, my goal for November is to lose 8 pounds.  I'll do a mid-month weigh in to see how I'm doing.

As for this weekend, I've got my Garmin strapped on and am hoping to rack up the steps.  It's actually pleasant outside today!

Don't forget to set those clocks back this weekend.  I love that extra hour of sleep.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

At least I keep trying, right?

I've had my share of failures, especially when it concerns weight.  But the key is to keep trying, right?  Like I might give up each day, but I haven't given up on myself completely.

I weighed myself yesterday, which was the first day of the month and I was 237.5.  It could be MUCH worse, but it could also be better.  I have been about 3 pounds lighter for most of the year.  I did just return from vacation so I'm hoping that's why the slight increase.

I'm constantly hearing that we should make mini goals.  When things are easily attained, it doesn't feel like we're climbing mountains.  So my first goal is to be 229.5 on December 1. That gives me a full month to lose 8 pounds.  Yes, I realize Thanksgiving is this month, but I still think 8 pounds is realistic for someone my size.

Another goal I'd like is to blog more often.  When I'm not writing here it's because i'm embarrassed of my behavior. 

Does anybody else make mini goals?  Are they really easier on one's psyche?

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Back to Normal

This last week has been a whirlwind of activity.  Last Thursday, my county was under a mandatory evacuation due to Hurricane Matthew.  Have you ever tried to find a place to go with three dogs at the last minute?  It was challenging.

This picture was taken on Thursday afternoon and it predicted my area would be hit hardest Saturday morning.  The category 2 hurricane started hitting Savannah Friday afternoon and went through the night.  When we got back home Saturday evening, we were without power and didn't get it back until Tuesday afternoon.

Trees are still down everywhere.  It's insane.  Here's my 'hood...

I've seen some big trees that have been completely uprooted.  A coworker has a tree on her house. Luckily she and her husband weren't there when it fell, and it didn't break through the roof.  It's just sort of laying on top of it.

I'm taking a long roadtrip in a couple of weeks and went to the library for an audiobook.  I've read the first three books in the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo series, but never got around to the newest book in the series that's by another author.  I picked it up yesterday at the library. Let's hope it's as good as the ones by Stieg Larrson.

Monday, September 19, 2016

Day 3

It takes 21 days to create a habit, right? Only 18 more to go...

Ended the day with 1670 calories. I still haven't done any formal exercise. Maybe tomorrow.

The candy aisles at the grocery stores have exploded lately. I kind of love that.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

No Jinx Zone

I'm almost afraid to talk about having another good day because I feel like I jinx it when I start dieting and talk about it.

I ended the day with 1575 calories, 1100 of which were from pizza.  Don't judge me.  That's was 2 meals of pizza and I'm not even sorry.

I saw some Hostess caramel apple cupcakes at Walmart today and didn't buy any.  That's an NSV, right?

Does anybody have the Garmin Vivofit HR?  It stopped syncing with my Android phone.  I've restarted both devices and turned the bluetooth off and on.  Nothing. :(

Saturday, September 17, 2016

On a positive note...

I swear I don't only write about negative stuff.  Today will be all positive!

First, I had my physical on Wednesday.  My weight stayed the same as last year, but my labs have improved.  I had borderline high cholesterol the last two years.  This year, I had a drop so that my number was safely in normal range.  The doctor even said that the drop was all with my bad cholesterol.  Maybe that whole thing about drinking red wine being good for you is true.  The whole month before I had my labs drawn, I had been drinking a glass about every other night.

I weighed in at 240 in the doctor's office, but that was at 11 a.m. after I had been eating and drinking all morning and I was fully dressed.  Any REAL dieter knows that the only weight that counts is the one first thing in the morning, stark naked, after emptying everything you can possibly can from the innards. 

I managed to count calories today and ended the day with 1710.  Garmin tried to tell me that I burned over 900 calories from my steps today, but I'm calling BS on it.  All I did was mop the kitchen and walk around Target for a bit. There's no way I burned that many calories.  Hell, I didn't even walk 6,000 steps.

While I like keeping track of my steps, I highly doubt the accuracy of the calories burned.  Sometimes I even doubt the accuracy of the step count.  One time, back when I was using the Fitbit, I got 100 steps in while sitting at my desk stuffing envelopes. Hahahah.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

The Agony of Guilt

It's one thing for me to be fat, but when I'm responsible for another living being who is also getting fat, it kills me.

I don't have human children, but my dogs are absolutely my babies and when the vet told me that one of them needs to lose weight, I cringed. Hard.  How could I let my girl get so big?  Nobody knows her breed for sure, but we're certain she's a pit mix.

She's 7.5 years old now and has started plumping up in maybe the last year or year and a half.  She still runs after every squirrel that dares enter her backyard and she loves to run after tennis balls.

We currently have a large bag of dog food to go through, but then we'll start her on a Healthy Weight food.

It's times like this that I'm glad I don't have children.  The guilt I feel over a fat dog is enough to make me want to cry.  Can you imagine if I had an overweight child?  If a child ever mimicked my behavior, they would surely be overweight.  At least with a dog I can completely control what is eaten.  

Friday, September 9, 2016

Nobody wants to hear your problems

Do you ever feel like you're living in that song Mr. Cellophane from Chicago the Musical? "You can look right through me, walk right by me and never know I'm there...."

On Thursday I had a really shitty day at work and called my husband to vent.  After I asked him how his day was and he talked for a few minutes about his own bad day, I said I was having a bad day and he said "oh I've got to go," and rushed me off the phone.  I thought he would ask me about why I had such a bad day when I got home, but he never did.

Then I got home from work Friday and he asked me about work but interrupted me to start talking about himself right away.  I just wanted to tell someone that I feel very bad about a huge mistake (like I effed up royally, seriously) and I can't even talk to the only person I live with.

I thought about calling my mom to tell her, but she works night shift and her sleeping schedule is so messed up that I don't want to bother her.  I could call my sister who has never held down a real job in her life and has never worried about money so she doesn't understand that some people need jobs in order to not be homeless (she married up....way up).

Anyway, I'm just feeling sorry for myself so I thought I'd blog about it because isn't that what blogs are for?  To dump all of our feelings in a very public forum to be judged by complete strangers?  I kid, I kid.

A coworker has convinced me to go to a free Crossfit class in the morning.  I'm VERY nervous because of my very low fitness level. Honestly, the lady who wants me to go is in worse shape than I am so I guess that makes me less nervous. Also I believe there's a chance she'll cancel.  We'll see.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Liquid Gold

I'm an addict.

I don't smoke or do drugs and I don't drink very often, but I wake up needing Diet Coke.  I need to feel the burn in my throat.  Oh, it burns so good.

I used to be addicted to coffee until I got old and had heartburn every morning after drinking it.  Diet Coke doesn't betray my body like coffee did.

Because I realize I need to lay off the DC, I've tried to find other things to pep me up in the morning.  I stumbled upon this stuff
(Like, really, I'm too old to learn how to rotate a picture, obviously.)

Anyway, I love both carrots and mango separately, but this is just not the same as the sickeningly-sweet-with-a-bitter-aftertaste therapy that I need.

Back in the day when I was a successful calorie counter, I chugged diet sodas like a champ and still lost weight every week.  I know it can't be healthy, but when you're in your 20s and losing weight, things like artificial sweeteners don't bother you.  At least they didn't bother me.  I guess this is a sign of maturity, right?  When we actually care about our overall health and not just weight.

We've done well about not eating out lately, except for my husband's birthday but that was a legit special occasion so I'm not stressing.

I'm getting excited about possible cooler weather soon (for Savannah, that means 89 instead of 90, am I right?).  I'm ready to take long walks outside and to breathe in some fresh air.  Oh, to be able to open the windows and feel a breeze in the house. Isn't that the best?

Oh!  And I've made serious headway on paying down my debt.  I dream of the day when I can spend a whole paycheck on something other than debt. Wouldn't that be amazing?

Monday, August 15, 2016

There are always challenges

This has been a trying month .  Just when I thought I had a handle on my eating, we had a family emergency and the only way I've ever dealt with stress is with food.  

My father-in-law passed away Saturday August 6th.  When we got the call that Friday before that we needed to GET UP THERE RIGHT NOW, my husband and I left work in a hurry and took the 5ish hour drive to his parents' house.  Approximately six hours after we got up there, my father-in-law passed away.  I'm glad my husband was able to get up there and say his good byes and was even at bedside with his mother and siblings when he died.

We stayed up there for several days and had food brought in by friend after friend.  It was so nice to see how many lives he touched and how many people loved him.  He really was a good soul.

So I drowned my sorrows the only way I know how, in pineapple cake, homemade chicken pot pie, honey baked ham, sweet potatoes, macaroni and cheese, etc.

I hate to admit this, but all of that delicious food really did make the pain go away for a few minutes at a time.  In hindsight, it's probably just because I was concentrating on eating and not the loss of a loved one.

My husband says that his dad wouldn't want anybody sitting around weeping over him, and I believe that's true.  He was the type of guy who didn't want to be the center of attention. He would want us to all move on and be happy in our lives.

I'm glad to be back home and in my little routine, now I just need to make sure the routine includes exercise.  I did cut the grass before 8 o'clock this morning since I live in the part of the world that is miserable outside after about 8:30 a.m.  I came inside at just a few minutes after 8 and was covered in sweat.  The kind of sweat that makes it hard to take off your clothes because they're just stuck to your body.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

As if you didn't know

I've been absent so that I could be fat and miserable in peace.

But now I'm on the exercise bike typing this on my iPad. 

Fall down 7 times and get up 8, right?

Sunday, April 17, 2016

High Level Embarrassment

I've been looking for a hole to crawl into for the last couple of weeks.

I guess I'll get right to the icing on the cake that's been the most humiliating incident ....

On Friday I stupidly volunteered to pick up lunch from Zaxby's for myself and 3 coworkers.  While carrying 3 full drinks, I slipped and fell in front of God and everybody. There was a man behind me who yelled "Ohh!" the way you yell at a missed field goal.  Nobody in the crowded restaurant offered to help me and  the lady behind the counter all but threw new cups at me to start filling up again.  It was the worst feeling in the world.

I can't help but think that if I had been a skinny woman, all of those men (why were so many men in there that day at that time?) would have helped me.  Someone could have done SOMETHING.  I hope that I would help someone up if I had been in line.  Ugh.  I keep replaying the incident in my head over and over.  I can't stop.  I don't even know if anybody I knew was in there because I kept my head down the rest of the time.

Sooo...this was just the end to a week that was already kind of shitty.  Just the usual self loathing and refusal to weigh myself because I'm just not interested in reality.

OH! And the reason I suggested Zaxbys was because I wanted to get a salad and straighten myself out. Dammit.

The good news is that I've tracked every bite for the last two days now. Maybe I can be humiliated into losing weight.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Food, drink, fun, more food, and more food...

Whew, it's been a busy week (two weeks?).  My friend from high school was here for three days and it took me at least a full week to get the house cleaned up enough to where I wasn't embarrassed.  :)

My friend lives in Brooklyn and has never been to Savannah.  Her first remarks were about how green our vegetation is and how it felt like she was breathing water.  Yeah, it's crazy humid even when it's not hot here.

I wish I had taken pictures of everything we ate and did while she was here, but I was living in the moment.  I took her to the tourist hot spots and had so much fun.  We went to a cute little jewelry store that I'd only been in one time previously and got some cute fire stone earrings.

We had brunch at Huey's on the river and she had her first taste of a fried green tomato, which she raved about!  The also had some of the best

I ordered the eggs benedict.  Not picture: beignets.

When we weren't eating or shopping, we were out alligator watching.  One was even sunbathing with a swollen belly.  Wonder if he had the beignets too.

Sunday night's dinner included a grilled bacon wrapped jalapeno popper.  It was far better than the breaded and fried kind.

She left today and while I loved having her around, I'm so ready to get back into my routine.  Does that make me sound old? :) I like to lay around naked after a shower. I like to fall asleep on my recliner while the tv plays.  I like to drink a cup of coffee before talking to anyone in the mornings.  These are all things that can't be done with company in the house.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Making of a firmer butt, and also an admirer

I've done pilates twice this week plus went on an hour long walk today.  I know it's only been a few weeks since I've picked up exercise again, but I swear my butt is looking nicer.  Like a little firmer and maybe a bit more lifted.  I don't know if it's all in my head or not though. Probably is:)

A man came into my work 3 times last week and stared at me each time. Finally I just kind of waved at him and I guess that opened up the door for conversation where he proceeded to tell me that he likes big girls and thinks I'm beautiful.  I know it was a compliment, but my mind was all, "DID YOU JUST SAY I'M FAT?!?!?!?!"

Anyway, I told him I'm happily married and he went on his merry way.  Honestly though, I'm very flattered that someone said I'm beautiful, but the whole big girl comment killed the flattery. Who says that to a stranger?

We're going camping for Easter, which is exciting.  Sometimes we go in our camper and sometimes we go in a tent.  Since it will be nice weather, we're going the tent route. I need to buy some marshmallows...

Friday, March 18, 2016

It might be getting better

Apparently when I wrote my last post, I was PMSing.  No wonder I had been pigging out and had low energy.  My period finally came today and I'm suddenly not as hungry anymore.  In fact, I've been counting calories today and will easily hit my goal of staying under 1800.

We got Sushi from Publix tonight.

I'm a weenie and usually get the veggie sushi.  Although I did get the salmon and cream cheese kind last weekend and it was pretty good.

Publix has started putting calorie counts on the sushi and I'm so happy/excited at how much you get to eat for 600 or less.

My bff from college is coming to town tomorrow!!!!  I'm so excited.  Usually I have to go up there (Ohio) to see her, but she's driving through to Florida and is making an extra special stop in Savannah for the night.

I definitely won't be drinking since I'll have to drive, but we will probably go out for a bite.  This is actually my first friend to teach me how to count calories. Isn't it funny what you bond over with some people?

Tuesday, March 15, 2016


I'm having a hard time lately.  I wake up thinking about it being a new day and how I'm the only one who can change my life, and then someone breaks out the chips and bean dip and I'm a goner.

I have 3 different house guests coming over the next 6 weeks.  I'm not one who entertains a whole lot so I'm stressed out. Is my house ever going to be clean enough? It's small and we have 3 dogs so I'm always afraid that it smells like dog. How embarrassing.  But I love my dogs far more than I love most people so they are allowed to stink it up.

I'm also a little stressed about money.  I've been doing well with my budget and paying down debt, but will I suddenly have to spend a lot of money while entertaining guests?  Am I expected to serve wine and fancy cheeses?  Can it be Diet Coke and Cheetos?  I've honestly been on Pinterest asking these very questions.

I spent an hour on the treadmill Saturday and felt guilty for not being at home scrubbing carpets.  Hahaha.  That just sounds silly now.

I'm giving myself a daily cleaning task so that little by little everything should be spotless.  Last night I scrubbed the HECK out of the tub. It's so shiny and my husband said it felt sterile like a hospital when he showered this morning.  Today's goal is to organize all of the clothes that aren't properly folded or on hangers.  It's not a huge pile, but it's an ugly pile.

Another goal today is to not stress.  Just do what has to be done and quit letting it get to me.  Hopefully this will help with my eating too since I'm a stress eater.

Friday, March 11, 2016

Longest week ever!

Did it drag or is it just me?

I finally finished House of Cards on Tuesday (or was it Wednesday?) and, um, Frank Underwood has RUINED MY LIFE.  Or maybe it's Claire who ruined it, but I know it's one of them.

Work has been challenging.  There's a coworker who brings me down with her holier than thou attitude.  I'm not the only one she bugs, but she's really getting under my skin.

Let me stop before I go on a  rant, which goes against my morals because when I started writing this blog, I vowed to not talk about work because we know how that works out for most bloggers.

Forgive me.

I'm a bachelorette this weekend since hubby is out of town.  I ordered a pizza.  Pizza is one of my bad habits that landed me writing a blog about the agony of being fat.

Look at that beaut!

I vow to ride 20 minutes per slice on my recumbent bike tonight.

Monday, March 7, 2016

Bootay Exposé

I wore these jeans to work on Friday and after a long day, I came home and noticed there was a tear by the pocket. 

I really wish I knew how long my underwear was shining to the world before I noticed.  Maybe there's a little too much junk in this trunk.

Admittedly, I had a gluttonous weekend.  The only good thing is how active I was both of the days so I'm trying not to beat myself up too much about it.  I start everyday trying to count calories, but always end up failing.  I just need to focus on intuitive eating and not necessarily tracking every bite of food.  At least that's what I think I need to do.

I'm excited about the state of my garden.  Here are the beginnings of zucchini.

Do you ever make egg scrambles?  I did this often last summer: chop some onions and zucchini or yellow squash and cook in a bit of coconut oil then scramble some eggs and add to the cooked veggies.  yum yum yum.  I never had to add salt or cheese or anything because the freshly picked vegetables taste so good.

Friday, March 4, 2016


Third month in a row that I've weighed the exact same. I'm a little bummed because I feel like I exercised more and overindulged less in February.  The scale said 234.0 for a couple of seconds before blinking up to 234.5 so I'm holding on to hope that there will be a loss soon.

I bought new workout clothes to, you know, entice me to workout.  I got a shirt and workout pants at Old Navy for only $15.  I was a little worried because these are supposed to be form fitting and my form is not very fit, but the material is just right.  It magically hides my cellulite. Unfortch, it can't hide my girth.

Do you know how hard it is to photograph your pants in a mirror?

I'm so happy it's Friday!  What is everybody doing this weekend?  I'll be watching House of Cards:)

Monday, February 29, 2016

Always starting over

With every new month (or new year, new week, new season, etc.) I try and try again.  I continually have to start over because by the end of the previous month, I've lost all of my motivation to do the things necessary to lose weight.

I worry about heart disease and diabetes.  I worry about losing mobility and losing independence.  I worry about all of the things that are scary and depressing, but apparently I don't worry about them enough to change my lifestyle.

My husband has Irritable Bowel Syndrome, which I'm sure he's very happy to know that I'm telling the internet about (I love you, honey!!!!) and his symptoms are best controlled with a low fiber diet.  So most of the meals we cook at home are heavy on the white rice, potatoes and pasta.  Since fresh salads tear up his insides and I tend to let them go to waste, I bought a Ninja blender to make it easier for me to get in fruits and veggies.  I love green smoothies and used to make them regularly in my big old clunky blender, but it was time to upgrade.

Remember those Bullet blender things with the long infomercials where they made everything from pasta sauces, to muffin batter to a frozen sorbet dessert?  Some infomercials are so entertaining!

My first smoothie contained frozen blueberries, spinach, almond milk, ground flax and a banana.  So yummy!!!!  I went to GNC thinking I'd buy some protein powder, but that stuff is SO expensive and the tubs are all way too big.  I'd rather boil an egg or grab a slice of cheese to go with a smoothie.  Ooohh, I could also add peanut butter to one.


Have y'all been binge watching Fuller House? I love it!  It's a bit cheesy, but I'm a big ol' lover of cheese.

Also, the new season of House of Cards comes out on Friday and I'm so excited because, you know, I don't watch enough tv as it is.

Friday, February 26, 2016

The agony of dating while fat

I feel so lucky to not have to date at this size.  I was 180 pounds and 20 years old when I met my husband.  Somehow 180 pounds looks much better on a 20 year old than on someone in her mid-30s.  So I wasn't FAT, but I was still chubby.

Anyway, I have a friend who is freshly divorced (and hand to God, her divorce is the best thing that happened to the universe), but she is quite overweight and so afraid of dating.  I get that fear.  I really do.

My friend has had 2 children and claims that her stomach is a mess because of it. I haven't seen her naked tummy, but I understand how bodies work and I know what she looks like fully clothed.

Now that she's on the Newly Divorced Diet (that's a thing, right?) she wants to start walking and doing exercise videos so I think I have an exercise partner that is actually a good match for me.

A couple of my work friends are begging me to sign up for a 5 or 10k with them.  I'm actually considering signing up for one for some motivation.

I've been doing my own thing with exercise lately. Sometimes I get on the recumbent bike while watching tv. Other times I write out my own workouts to do during the day.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Sprouts and Things

Now that the days are getting longer, I'm really itching for spring to come.  We've already gone to Lowe's and stocked up on seeds and dirt for our garden.  The good thing about living in the Southeast is that we have a very long growing season, and we usually start planting vegetable sprouts in early March. The bad thing about this region is the soul sucking heat and mosquito population for 8 months of the year.  You win some, you lose some.

Anyway, my little seeds are already in some dirt and will sprout inside so they can be transferred outside in about 10-14 days.

Seriously though, when you get used to eating homegrown tomatoes, the things served in restaurants suddenly feel mealy and are tasteless.

I finally got my husband to go on a long walk with me today.  Here it is about 1:30 p.m. and I've already hit my 10,000 Fitbit steps for the day!

We have the doors and windows open because it's so sunny and beautiful today.  It's 76 right now and we have a high of 77, which is very warm for February.

Ugh.  This is already mosquito breeding weather.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

An Agony

One of the many agonies of being fat is that I can't find a workout partner on my level.  One of my BFFs is a big girl like me and has a Planet Fitness membership like me.  We plan to go just about every weekend, but one of us always cancels.  This has been going on for a few months now.

Then I have my skinny work friends who want to workout with me and I'm so frustratingly slow and NOT on their levels that I just can't make myself go with them.  These are girls who run and spin and do all the other things I dream about.  So when I'm out of breath 10 minutes into a walk and they are yelling "let's go, pick up the pace!" I feel terrible about myself.

My husband has a very physical job and is so wiped out by the time he gets home that he doesn't want to do anything except sit on the couch.

I just need to find my own motivation.  I need to worry about my health and take control of my own lifestyle.

I realize this post sounds a little whiny, but maybe someone out there can relate.

I'm in a fancy hotel room in Atlanta tonight because we have a work seminar thing all day tomorrow.  I'm not very excited about hitting the rush hour traffic tomorrow evening, but it is what it is.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

But the top of the muffin is tastiest

Happy Valentine's Day!

The work stress is gone for the moment. I crunch numbers for a living (because I lead a super wild and interesting life) and occasionally we have auditors breathing down our necks for a few days at a time. They're gone for now so I'm back to my normal stress level and not nuclear bomb stress level.

My size 18 pants are tight. Honestly, they've been tight for a year now but they're currently digging into my gut so I thought I'd mention it. I have a closet full of 16 and 14s and there's NO WAY my brain will allow me to buy 20s so I will suffer from muffintop and the inability to take a deep breath while clothed until I lose weight. Surely that's incentive.

I usually take my lunch to work, but on Friday I NEEDED pizza. Yes, needed. Don't argue with me. So I got a personal pan from the local pizza joint and it was so delicious that I couldn't even regret it.  I know it's possible to eat pizza and still be skinny so we can't go around beating ourselves up all the time. Like if I had eaten a whole large pizza, then maybe I'd need to re-evaluate some life choices.

So far this year (all 2 months of it) I've weighed myself on only the first of the months. I'm sticking with this trend because in true number cruncher style, I'm easily obsessed with the number on the scale. In my younger days, the scale dictated my mood for the day and I'm just too old for that crap. If I'm going to be pissed off all day, it's because I stepped in dog poo or ran out of coffee, not because my weight is up a fraction of a pound.

Thursday, February 11, 2016

The Stress Will Eat You

This has been an insane week at work and it's only Thursday.  I know we're not supposed to wish our lives away, but I'm ready for it to be the weekend.

Work stress has killed my eating and sleeping this week.  I had several days in a row of good eating last week with lots of activity and solid sleeping, but now here I am feeling puffy and run down and just generally blah.

I know that stress makes me eat, but it also makes me cranky and possibly a little depressed.  I fully intend to get back on track today though.  Hopefully a solid workout and fewer french fries will lift my mood.

My husband has also had some work stress and when we talk about his day, I start to feel his stress too, you know?  Like sympathy stress.

The good news is (or is this the bad news?) that since I've cut out chocolate, I haven't had an episode of my heart racing.  ALSO, I haven't had to take any heartburn medicine.  Apparently I really have a sensitivity to chocolate and either I didn't put two and two together or maybe I was in denial over it.  Either way, I feel so much healthier not eating it.

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Weekend Warrior

It's been a great weekend so far.  For the first time since I got my Fitbit 9 months ago, I've met all of the goals for the day. This is for yesterday...

That even included a trip to Planet Fitness!!!! My first one in many months so I'm very excited about it:)

I haven't been as active today, but I've done well with my eating. I've even been counting calories today which is shocking because I find counting calories so tedious (yet effective!).

I made lentil chili today, which is delicious and just 311 calories for a HUGE bowl. 

Have y'all heard of Goodbelly? It's a probiotic drink.  My husband has some digestive issues and the doctor suggested probiotics instead of medication (I love doctors who don't push drugs). He's been having good results so I tried some of it today and it's surprisingly delicious.

I'm a sucker for trying anything for good health.

We've been talking about what a struggle it will be to stay up for the Superbowl. Hah! We're so old.  I'm not much of a football fan, but the Superbowl is different, ya know?

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Heartbreaking Revelation

One of the first nights on my Colorado vacation, I had an episode where my heart started beating rapidly while I was at rest.  That night I had eaten chocolate frozen yogurt.

Two nights ago I made brownies and only had one, but that night I had another episode of increased pulse and a few palpitations thrown in there for an extra kick of anxiety.

I made this connection between chocolate and my heart activity while at work early this morning, but must've forgotten it when I saw the pan of brownies making googly eyes at me so I had one tonight.

  And sure as shit, I'm sitting here with a 110 pulse at rest.

I googled "chocolate makes my heart race" and read page after page of information that told me I'm not crazy.  Apparently chocolate sensitivity isn't rare and unusual. Maybe it's unusual that it waited until I was in my mid-30s to show up, but the condition itself isn't unusual.

As much as I love chocolate, I'm relieved to have made this connection.  I can give it up now that I know it's the heart thumping culprit.  In fact, it seems like chocolate would be easier to give up than coffee. When I went to the doctor about this heart crap, she told me to decrease my caffeine intake, which I've dutifully done.  But the heart racing only happens in the evenings and that just so happens to be the time I'm more likely to have desserts.

Monday, February 1, 2016


February is my do-over month since January was a bust.  The good news (and also the bad?) is that I weighed in at 234.5 this morning, which is what I was on January 1.

Today's eating was decent and I rode the recumbent bike for 30 minutes after work. My legs are tingly and I love it :)

Here is one of my favorite pictures from my Colorado trip. You can almost breathe in that crisp mountain air...

Friday, January 29, 2016

When in Rome...

There's a reason that Colorado is the skinniest state in the country.  I come from one of the fattest states so I can really tell the difference.  This arid climate and the majestic mountains promote fitness.  I feel like I can walk forever when I'm here (thankfully the weather is incredible this trip).  I've been far more active here than I ever am at home.  I know it's partly because I'm on vacation, but it's also the atmosphere here.  It makes me want to be outside and moving around.

Ok, so I'm no expert photographer, but trust me, it's gorgeous out here.

We've been walking a ton and I caught a glimpse of myself in a shop mirror.  I'm not really horrified by my reflection anymore, but I still feel bummed.

It's my side view though, ugh.  My belly is huge and utterly unhealthy.

While I love being here(and not at work!), I'm almost desperate to get back home and on a routine.  Maybe when I come back next year, I'll be under 200 pounds.  Have I mentioned that that's my goal right now?  My current dream is to get to 199.  It feels so close yet so far away.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Lack of Commitment

So the thing is I haven't been real committed to losing weight because I knew I had an upcoming vacation. Now, most people would want to lose a few pounds before vacation, but I'm totally that person who is putting everything off until she's back home.  So I'm in Colorado eating Rocky Mountain fudge and I might feel guilty later, but not right now.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

The Visitor Who Stayed Too Long

I like my husband's friends, but when I come home from work counting down the seconds until I can take off my bra, the last thing I want to see is one of their cars in the driveway. It sounds cruel or unwelcoming, but it is what it is.

I can handle having company over if they've been invited, but I just don't get these people who drop by unannounced to just hang out. I don't do that to other people.

Anyway, that happened two days ago and I'm still bitching about it:) My husband was also a little annoyed by the guy because he was cooking dinner and had to stop everything to entertain the guy who stayed for TWO HOURS! WHO DOES THAT?

Thankfully, my back is better and it's given me a boost in the exercise department. I've done really good workouts twice this week plus some yoga and stretching stuff 3 times. 

My eating has been fine, but I'm not really tracking it.

We ate Mexican last night at a restaurant called Jalapeños and I didn't get a margarita! I'm calling that both an NSV and a spend-less-money victory. I don't drink often, but I love margaritas from Mexican restaurants. 

Work is a little stressful because I'm trying to do a lot of stuff since I'm taking off most of next week and I'm such a stress eater, but I'm really making an effort to not keep food at work. It's mostly helping, but I swear that stupid vending machine winks and nods at me. Sigh.

Oh! I also had another episode a couple of nights ago where my heart started racing while I tried to fall asleep. I took my BP and the bottom number was in the 90s plus my pulse was 99. I've been to the doctor about this and was told not to worry. I guess it could be anxiety. At the risk of sounding like a hippie, I might try out some meditation exercises.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Pain in the behind

I tweaked something in my back a few days ago and while it's not Pain with a capital P, it's still an annoying little ache. I've been doing exercise for back pain videos from youtube.  I can't believe how much free material there is out there!

The most annoying thing about having back pain is that you make involuntary noises when bending over.  On one hand, it's a little funny, on the other hand it makes me sound like an old broken down woman.

One of the things I've read while searching for natural back pain relief, is that people with weak backs need to do core exercises. I used to be a big fan of yoga and pilates so I'm slowly making my way back into those things.  Becoming a yoga instructor was a fantasy of mine a few years ago. It's not just the fitness that I love from yoga, but the mindfulness and relaxation that I love.  I remember taking a hot yoga class a few years ago and leaving with a feeling that a weight had been taken off my shoulders.

Another thing that I loved about yoga and pilates is how they both helped flatten out my stomach. Even being overweight, I had a relatively flat stomach when I exercised regularly.  Now I've got rolls galore.

My pain is in my lower back, right above my right butt cheek.  It feels better when I'm up moving around so I'm hopeful this is a short term deal.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Overeating and overspending

I downloaded the Blogger app on my ipad mini thinking that it would help me write more often, but the app is very limited.  Also, I'm old so I don't figure things out as easily as I used to.  I do love technology though.

Yesterday was sort of a sucky day.  Well, the only thing that sucked was my behavior around food.  Everything else went well.

We dropped off my little boy at the groomer (I have 3 dogs, no human children) and walked down to Moe's restaurant (WELCOME TO MOE'S!!!!) for a little late lunch.  Only it was anything but little.  I had a burrito bowl plus a stupid amount of chips and queso and, of course, sweet tea because I'm Southern and that's what we do.  I left that place feeling miserable and barely wanting to walk.  Ugh, why do I do that to myself?  It was awful, seriously awful.

My dog won't sit still for a picture (or for anything, really), but he looks adorable!

We went to the Flea Market last weekend when it was actually cold and my husband took a picture of me walking from behind. Unfortunately for you, that's the picture I'm posting instead of one of my cute dog.

I also ended up spending much more money than I wanted yesterday.  I bought some new luggage because it's definitely time to retire my old duffle bags and I have a trip in a couple of weeks.  Who knew a suitcase could cost so much money? I'm not into designer labels or anything, I just got an average suitcase that would hold my stuff and roll around on wheels.  It was $60!!!  I sure hope my tax return looks good this year because credit card debt ain't cute and I've got my share of it.

Today's goal is to make a REAL effort to track my calories and not spend any money.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

In Observation of Skinny People

I stare at skinny people because I'm creepy and can't help it. Well, maybe I don't really STARE, but I observe them, you know? I observe them the same way we observe rich and famous people. Only these are regular skinny friends at work and not someone with a million instagram followers and a nanny for their children.

There are two skinny friends that I'm pretty close to at work.  Neither one of them has ever had a weight problem and they are both fairly active people. They hike, bike and run around town.  They're both in their late 30s, early 40s and occasionally sign up for half marathons and spend months training for them.

Friend A is very adventurous and went zip lining for her Christmas getaway.  She kayaks all summer long and has a gym membership.  She's the type to only bring fruit and cottage cheese to eat for an 8-hour shift, but won't pass up free cake or donuts. She says she feels guilty after eating a "bad" meal, but I don't know what she defines as bad. 

Friend B is a light smoker and will eat 2 McDonalds cheeseburgers for lunch (the regular ones that come in kids meals). She says she doesn't feel guilty about what she eats, but feels bad when she goes a long time between getting in a long run. She reminisces about when she was really fit in her 20s even though she is in great shape now.

I notice that they're both slow eaters and don't make meals a priority-- at least not at work.  Like I make it a point to sit down and eat while they might grab bites here and there.  Also, they both are light social drinkers.

The reason I made a point to observe their behavior and relationship with food and exercise is because I have this idea that if I mimic their behavior I'll miraculously lose weight and be like my skinny friends. Honestly though, I'm probably just jealous of them for being healthy weights and living active lifestyles.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Health Restored

I'm 99% over my cold, but still have a lingering cough. Why does respiratory stuff take forever to go away?  It's just annoying at this point.

I've been doing some low-key exercise the last few days like walking and ab workouts from youtube.

I also did a few squats and walking lunges today. I'm going skiing in less than 3 weeks so I'm trying to focus on lower body and core work, you know, to make falling a little more graceful.

Admittedly, eating has been poor the last few days.  At the height of my cold, I barely ate anything but soup and hot tea.  I've been making up for that.

But that's all over and I'm ready to move on and reach for some stars!

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Making of a Fat Woman

The only good thing about being sick is the diminished appetite. I'm actually not going to bed feeling stuffed and miserable.

Monday night I slathered Vicks VapoRub on my chest and got on the recumbent bike while watching tv.  I made it about 12 minutes before my respiratory system rebelled.  At least I tried, right?

Tuesday night and tonight were spent doing all of the chores that I slacked on for the last week while being sick so I've done a lot of movement by doing laundry, dishes and mopping the kitchen.  Oh!  I also put away the delivery truck at work today so that was kind of exercise.

I've been blowing my nose so much that it's all dry and flaky and super sexy looking right now.

Here I am in my natural habitat....

That picture is a good motivator for me to get up and exercise, but I'm still not feeling 100%.

Have y'all been watching Making a Murderer on Netflix? I'm a bit of a true crime junkie so I'm digging it.

Monday, January 4, 2016

Unhappy New Year

I'm trying not to dwell, I really am. But the New Year has been off to a rough start and I hope this doesn't set the tone for the next 12 months.

First things first, I weighed in at 234.5. That bums me out terribly.

Secondly, (TMI warning!!!!) My little chihuahua had two huge bloody stools. Like so much blood it's hard to imagine it came out of a little 10-pound body. This led to an emergency vet visit, which led to a $364 bill, which led to me whipping out an already overused credit card. The stress of it all also led me straight to McDonalds because that's how I deal with life. At least my baby girl will be ok.

This unexpected bill is in addition to the one I got on Christmas Eve for $304 when we had to be towed over 130 miles home after our truck broke down on the way to family Christmas festivities.

ALSO, I woke up New year's day with a lump in my throat and runny nose. Because, you know, being broke and overweight ain't any fun without being sick.

I have a membership to Planet Fitness that is only $10 per month, but at this rate that's a lot of money to be giving away since I don't go, like, ever.

Woe is me.